Fly tape for a good hustle…

A package arrived in the mail today! I totally forgot about it. It was a purchase I made from a friend’s “party” that she was hosting for one of her friends. You know these parties. The classic pyramid scheme. Whatever they are selling, you don’t want it, but they tell you that you do, and then you feel like OK, at least I’m being nice and helping someone else. Anyway, I sent a picture of my purchase to another friend to show her what I bought, and then went on my rant about how much I loathe these “parties” that use guilt to sell women shit they don’t need. That’s totally what it is. Women getting guilted into selling shit to their friends and then the friends buying because they’d feel horrible if they didn’t “support” their friend. I cannot handle anymore of these online parties trying to pimp their overpriced and completely targeted products. It’s total mean girl territory. Sorry, but you haven’t talked to me in years. One day you add me to Facebook and the next you’re inviting me to support you in your lifelong passion to sell overpriced junk jewelry to the masses? Wait, what? No. Just no.

I LOVE the friend who invited me to her party, and I know her reasons. I totally get it. I got roped into this years ago. I know all about it. I’m not judging. I’ve been there, done that, have a whole whack of junk that I bought to be “nice.” ANYWAY… I bought a couple of things that I definitely do not need or really want and then I went on to rant about how men aren’t building pyramids, they are building empires! END THESE SCHEMES that target women and their ridiculously high levels of guilt! I am not sure why I can’t just express things in a normal moderate manner. Most people state their feelings and move on, but not this cowgirl. I have to wave my hands in the air, jump up and down and make a complete scene over every emotion I have. There is no cure for this. I’ve looked.

But, I digress. This package led to me explaining how I’m a prime target for these dirty sales tactics. I started thinking of all the dumb ass things I’ve done because I wanted to be nice. My favourite is the time that I bought 200 dollars worth of car wax from a man standing outside a gas station. I am not even lying. I AM that woman. This dude started waxing my car while I was pumping gas and I was like OK, this is weird, but I guess so. Then he went on about how great it was and how my husband would love it (my eyes hurt from rolling right now). It was awkward and I just wanted to get the hell out of there, so I agreed. OK. Fine. I’ll buy one bottle. But then it turned into a case (clearly a better deal. ha!) which THEN turned into 2 cases because the second case would be half price. At this point, I was just like OMG…. GET ME OUT OF HERE. Anyway, I got home and gave these CASES of car wax to my husband who just looked at me like WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL ARE YOU DOING? This is me though. Constantly doing shit that makes no sense to logical humans. I tried to explain that it was hot and he looked sad and who the hell else would buy his stupid car wax? I was just trying to be nice. Anyway, when I was telling my friend about this story today, she told me I should write a collection of essays about the things I tell her. I guess the title would be…

Shit I Do That Makes NO Sense: A Collection of Fuck-Up Stories.


I feel like I have a lot of these stories to tell. The amount of times I’ve done really dumb things because I just wanted to be nice? I’ve lost count. I was once at a swim-up bar in Mexico giving money to a young bartender because he told me about how he had dreams of opening his own bar and how he already had a plan in place. I was giving him a pep talk about following his dreams while handing him all of my money. I AM THAT DUMB! Or what about the time I almost got us shanked in NYC when I got wrapped up in donating money to aspiring musicians? Remember that time when a lady in Florence showed me a picture of her dying child, asking for money? Of course I gave her all I had. She was crying and she even picked up on my name. Clearly I had to help. I saw her the next day strolling down the street with a designer handbag. She didn’t look like the poor woman I saw the day before. Hmmm….
One would think that by now, I would know that for the most part, people are trying to take advantage of me. But, for some reason, I just haven’t learned this lesson yet. I just have this inability to believe that people are bad. I never see it until it’s way too late and I’m walking 25 blocks because I just gave all of my cab fare to the homeless man on the corner. I try to think positively about it though. My stupidity must have an upside. I am kind. I give all I have. People can take advantage of me, but that’s on them, and not on me. But then, I’m like COME ON!! Stop being such a bleeding heart. People are dicks. Believe it, sister.

It never sticks though. So, if you need me to support you in your new and exciting business of selling designer guinea pig clothing…. well…. add me to Facebook!



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