This morning I had a breakdown in a grocery store. I never would’ve imagined I’d be able to say that, but it’s true. I could get into the particulars of this, but I’ll only say that it ended with me walking out of the store line crying and being chased by an employee saying, “come back… don’t make me feel bad.” I replied, “Don’t feel bad. It’s personal.” And well, it is. It’s extremely personal. I have no idea why this was the morning, and that was the place, but it happened. I cried so hard I should’ve pulled over because I couldn’t see. All around my mouth went tingly, as it usually does when one starts to hyperventilate. I got home and went right to my bed. So, why all of the sudden am I this hysterical woman, crying in my bed over grocery shopping? I guess it was just the final straw. I hit my max stress level and I cracked.
I make so many jokes about how I’m good at isolation because I don’t like people anyway. How I prefer to be at home. How amazing it is that I haven’t worn a bra in God knows how long. But it’s been getting to me. Not just the isolation. It’s not that, so much as not being able to do simple things that I used to enjoy. Eating in restaurants, shopping for books, buying groceries without having to be masked and queued in a line outside. I was driving by the road where my Mom lives today and I thought, I can’t even go there. I can’t go and knock on her door. I’m all alone. In and out of a grocery store and back to my house. That’s it. That’s what I’ve got now. It made me so sad and SO FUCKING MAD!!
I miss work, but not the work that I’m doing now. I never ever would’ve applied to a job where I had to do video meetings everyday (3 this week) that give me so much anxiety I feel like I’m going to throw up on my laptop. The job that requires that now I have to teach myself a whole new technology based way of doing things. I get it, times are different. We all have to adapt, and I will. But it’s a lot. ESPECIALLY when you throw that on top of now having to teach my kids as well. I open my email every morning with a panicky feeling in my throat. I know that it will be loaded with things I need to help my kids with, ideas of how I should be doing things for my own job, and sometimes it feels like a mountain I have no idea how to climb.
The homeschooling thing is too much. I’m just going to put that out there. It’s too much. I hear that it’s supposed to take 1 hour a day. To that, I call bullshit. 3 Google Classrooms filled with work and not only work, but links to learning sites and games and online reading materials. It’s not just teachers who are sending the work. Now we have the school library techs sending stuff and EAs and everyone who works in the damn building sending ideas. It’s in the newspapers. A never-ending barrage of work. I don’t find it helpful. I find it stressful as fuck. With all of these ideas and information comes a whole lot of pressure. Every single day since this started, I’ve felt overwhelmed. Every. Single. Day. I’m not a stupid woman. I’m not lazy in the least. But this is too much. Our internet wasn’t working one day this week and I filled with hulk like rage because it means I have extra work the next day. I am up at night crying about my kids’ schooling. Failing my kids is an actual fear I have in my heart. I start to think that when the kids go back to school, (if that ever fucking happens) they’ll be behind and It will be because of me. Trying to get the kids to sit and do these things or organizing things like experiments with rocks we find outside… ALL OF THAT TAKES TIME! I must also find time to do my own work, and take care of everyone’s needs as well. Oh and I’m also supposed to use this time to create memories while I’m at it. Don’t forget about the memory-making/bonding time. Add that to the list of shit to get done everyday. I don’t know how everyone else is pulling this off. How are you working and teaching your kids and keeping your house clean and waiting in line for milk and bread? It feels like everyone on social media has their shit together… Everyone can’t possibly be lying about this. The only conclusion that I can come to is that everyone is just way better at this than me.
This is a stressful time, and until today, I didn’t realize how much of a crisis I’m really in. I’ve been working out constantly just to keep myself from crawling out of my own skin. I get so overwhelmed all I can think about is running away. Literally. I can barely sit in the same room as my husband because he’s so stressed out over his business that listening to him makes me shake with anxiety. While the reality of it does freak me out and worry me to no end, that’s not what I struggle with. I struggle with the raised voices and stress that radiates off of him. The stress of feeling so helpless. To top it all off, I’m home every single day with 3 kids who are going stir-crazy. I have to keep them sane when clearly I’m going insane myself.
This all sounds so pouty, doesn’t it? So woe is me. But fuck it. We’re all struggling, and if me having a breakdown in a grocery store makes me weak, then so be it.
Today I am weak. Here’s hoping tomorrow is better.