Blah Birthdays & Mom Jeans

When I woke up this morning I had two thoughts: 1. I really hope I’m not out of dry shampoo because I’m never going to have time to shower. 2. It’s my birthday week! This means I get to do all of the things I want to do, slack off as much as I want and eat and drink myself into oblivion. It’s about. to. go. DOWN.

I really wanted to have a clever list to post this week, in honor of me inching another year closer to dementia, but I just can’t think of anything witty to say about turning 37. It’s just meh or blah… A big fat whatever birthday, if you will. 37 just feels whatever. It feels the same as last year, except this year I have more grey hair to pluck (honestly dark hair is a curse), and I’m spending more money on anti aging skin care routines that don’t work. I look the same, except my skin is bright red and feels like it’s on fire from overpriced peels and serums. Hooray for 37!

Since I’ve been doing a lot of my Christmas shopping online, I’ve also been sneaking purchases in for myself. You know…because it’s my birthday month and all.  A week or so ago, I was online buying my daughter the jeans she wants for Christmas. She’s showed me a million times…We go to the mall, I let her show me how trendy she thinks she is, and then I make a bunch of really obnoxious old mom jokes about how it seems ridiculous to buy a pair of jeans from the Edward Scissorhands collection. I mean honestly, what’s with the tattered, holey and shredded jean look? Is this in style? But that’s not the point. The point is, that I ordered her the perfect pair as a Christmas surprise. Then I was looking at all of the other jeans, thinking… hmm…maybe I need new jeans. Every single pair on this website just blew me away. The ugliest jeans I’ve ever seen in my life. I was mesmerized by their hideousness. I just couldn’t stop looking… Acid wash… shredded zombie-like jeans… MOM JEANS! So, obviously I bought a pair of the highest waisted mom jeans I could find. Because screw it, I’m turning 37 and I feel old and this will make me look young and hip. My daughter told me so.

Holy cannoli, I was dead wrong. When they were finally pulled ALL THE WAY UP and on, that is when I knew…without a doubt…mom jeans were the best birthday gift I’ve ever given myself. Tears STREAMED from my face as I looked at the longest zipper ever. Just the crotch of these jeans… It was front bum city. I couldn’t help but proclaim, “LOOK AT THAT FUPA!” Let’s not even mention what they did to my ass. Hint: flat as a dinner plate and as long as a Canadian winter. It was a total disaster. The pant equivalent of granny panties. I have never in my life laughed that hard at myself. One look in the mirror and I was dancing around like Rod Stewart singing…. If you want my body…and you think I’m sexy… I would’ve worn them longer, but the squishing and bruising to my internal organs was crippling. I took them off, put them into my drawer (because you don’t ever return something that entertains you that much), and pulled on a nice old lady nightgown. Because THAT is how I roll.

Also this… My favourite meme right now. I cannot explain why and I’m aware that it is completely irrelevant to this post. I love it though. It makes me laugh almost as much as the jeans.

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Keep on Truckin’ 2020 LOOK OUT!

25 days left in this decade. Thank you social media, for reminding me over and over and over that it’s the end of a decade, and that’s kind of a big deal. The past 10 years have been filled with ups and downs. I’m sure everyone can say that. I don’t know many people who spend 10 years doing absolutely nothing new or different, scary or exciting. But alas, here is my post reflecting on what 2010-2020 did to me. Ha! I think the only reason I’m really writing about it is because it was 10 years of raising kids, and that sounds both dreadful and heroic at the same time. 10 years of raising kids may seem boring, and let me tell you, a lot of the time it really was. I don’t care what anyone says, there is nothing mentally stimulating about cleaning up bodily functions. It’s exhausting and mind-numbing and yet, completely necessary in parenthood. Regardless, I feel like the past 10 years are an accomplishment for me. I made it. I’m still standing, mind and body intact. All of my kids can now do most basic things for themselves. But I’m rambling, which is something I’m prone to. The point of this is to reflect on how far I’ve come in 10 years.

It’s been a long tour…

TEN YEARS AGO:

This is the first picture I posted in 2010. It was taken on February 11, 2010. The morning after I gave birth to my son, Jack.

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Things I’d like to note about this: 1. I was barely into social media 10 years ago. My posts were sporadic and I am SO GRATEFUL as those years were horribly difficult. 2. I clearly didn’t care about my greasy hair or what I looked like in an over-sized Sears housecoat. Pictured here is a 27 year old woman, her 20 month old daughter and the baby boy she just pushed out of her vagina hours before, at home, in her bedroom. She is basically a superhero.

And from here things go way downhill…

Here is a picture of me looking like I love my life, and yet I was in the depths of depression/eating disorder hell. This was the summer of 2010. TEN years ago!! NOT a glamorous time in my life.  IMG_3614

10 years later…

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Just kidding. That’s not me. I feel this though… Right in my soul.

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This is me. Approaching my 37th birthday with my son, the sweet babe you saw in the first picture. In the past ten years I’ve felt the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I’ve accomplished great feats (ahem a marathon) and crashed and burned through some pretty monumental failures (the list is long). But I’m still here, an ever-changing, ever-evolving human on a mission. I’m still working towards some pretty lofty goals, and making mistakes as I go. The past 10 years has taught me that I’m far from perfect, and I don’t ever want to be. That sometimes I’m a little too much for some people, and that’s OK, because they’re not my people anyway. Ten years ago I cared far too much about things that didn’t matter. I cared what people thought of me. I wasted a lot of time and effort on people who didn’t deserve it. I also made many many mistakes. But that’s life, right? You live, you learn. I’m pretty stoked to start 2020, mainly because it feels like a clean slate, and I DO enjoy clean.

So here’s to the next decade. May it be filled with all good things, for all good humans.

Let’s do this!