When I woke up this morning I had two thoughts: 1. I really hope I’m not out of dry shampoo because I’m never going to have time to shower. 2. It’s my birthday week! This means I get to do all of the things I want to do, slack off as much as I want and eat and drink myself into oblivion. It’s about. to. go. DOWN.
I really wanted to have a clever list to post this week, in honor of me inching another year closer to dementia, but I just can’t think of anything witty to say about turning 37. It’s just meh or blah… A big fat whatever birthday, if you will. 37 just feels whatever. It feels the same as last year, except this year I have more grey hair to pluck (honestly dark hair is a curse), and I’m spending more money on anti aging skin care routines that don’t work. I look the same, except my skin is bright red and feels like it’s on fire from overpriced peels and serums. Hooray for 37!
Since I’ve been doing a lot of my Christmas shopping online, I’ve also been sneaking purchases in for myself. You know…because it’s my birthday month and all. A week or so ago, I was online buying my daughter the jeans she wants for Christmas. She’s showed me a million times…We go to the mall, I let her show me how trendy she thinks she is, and then I make a bunch of really obnoxious old mom jokes about how it seems ridiculous to buy a pair of jeans from the Edward Scissorhands collection. I mean honestly, what’s with the tattered, holey and shredded jean look? Is this in style? But that’s not the point. The point is, that I ordered her the perfect pair as a Christmas surprise. Then I was looking at all of the other jeans, thinking… hmm…maybe I need new jeans. Every single pair on this website just blew me away. The ugliest jeans I’ve ever seen in my life. I was mesmerized by their hideousness. I just couldn’t stop looking… Acid wash… shredded zombie-like jeans… MOM JEANS! So, obviously I bought a pair of the highest waisted mom jeans I could find. Because screw it, I’m turning 37 and I feel old and this will make me look young and hip. My daughter told me so.
Holy cannoli, I was dead wrong. When they were finally pulled ALL THE WAY UP and on, that is when I knew…without a doubt…mom jeans were the best birthday gift I’ve ever given myself. Tears STREAMED from my face as I looked at the longest zipper ever. Just the crotch of these jeans… It was front bum city. I couldn’t help but proclaim, “LOOK AT THAT FUPA!” Let’s not even mention what they did to my ass. Hint: flat as a dinner plate and as long as a Canadian winter. It was a total disaster. The pant equivalent of granny panties. I have never in my life laughed that hard at myself. One look in the mirror and I was dancing around like Rod Stewart singing…. If you want my body…and you think I’m sexy… I would’ve worn them longer, but the squishing and bruising to my internal organs was crippling. I took them off, put them into my drawer (because you don’t ever return something that entertains you that much), and pulled on a nice old lady nightgown. Because THAT is how I roll.
Also this… My favourite meme right now. I cannot explain why and I’m aware that it is completely irrelevant to this post. I love it though. It makes me laugh almost as much as the jeans.