These days I am all about writing lists. I have journals filled with them. I have to-do lists, grocery lists and lists about other random things. Things that are REALLY random.
Example: A list of things I’d rather be doing.
1. Sitting in a shady bar, drinking a warm and flat beer with a bunch of dirty construction workers with alcohol dependencies.
2. Snorkeling in the middle of the ocean where I could possibly be attacked by a shark.
As you can see, my day is going well….
Another on-going list I have is:
Things I wish I could say to you.
1. To the man who slowly walks his dog around the neighborhood: I used to think you were super weird for your slow snail-speed walking, and your creepy backpack. I used to imagine it filled with explosives or other creepy-creeperton things like doll heads and roadkill. Then one day I saw you take a bottle of water and a dish out of your creepy-pack and give your dog, (who looked rather senior when I looked closely) a drink. After that, I didn’t see you as a potential creep-a-zoid. I saw you as a loving and caring dog dad. I’m sorry for thinking you were a homicidal maniac and also… thank you for loving your dog so much. He/she is so lucky to have you.
2. To the man who asked me to help him find rapini in No Frills: What part of NO FRILLS do you not understand?
Anyway… Here is my most recent list.
Things I know for sure:
1. Neon orange food always tastes good. Cheetos, Cheez Whiz, Kraft Dinner, creamsicles, the orange drink McDonald’s used to serve when you were a kid. It may not be healthy, but if it’s neon orange, it probably tastes like heaven.
2. There is a proper way to assemble a burger. If you don’t do it properly, it doesn’t matter what kind of meat/cheese/toppings you use. It won’t be as good as it could be.
3. A public toilet must always be flushed using your foot. Everyone knows this.
4. Almost everything can be fixed with a hot bath. Foot hurts? Have a bath. Feel murderous rage towards the man who took the last bag of Cheetos at the grocery store? Have a bath. Add a glass of wine for complete pain relief.
5. Vodka is a really good cleaner. It dissolves soap scum and cleans glass. However, it is better to have soap scum and streaky glass than to be without vodka. Caesars.
6. That reminds me. Caesars. You can add a million and one things to your Caesar, but it will never beat a traditional one. Skip all the frill and just put a little pickle juice in it. Nobody wants to drink horseradish or BBQ sauce so STOP IT already! Also, the celery is overrated. Skip the shrubbery. See below.
7. Skip the lime or lemon on the side of the glass when you are out in a restaurant. The bacteria on those things. Hello e coli! This goes for all the garnishes you might find on the side of your glass. Just skip it. No one likes shit lemons.
8. If you spend a lot of time on your hair, you know it will be windy AF outside and all of your hard work will be for nothing. Doesn’t matter how far you have to walk. Two steps is two too many. Your hair will be ruined and you will look like Kurt Cobain. Plan ahead. Bring a hair elastic. Alternately, wear one of those plastic hood hats that old ladies wear. I really wish they were a thing. I’d brush my hair EVERYDAY if I could wear one of those.
9. Always carry headphones with you so that random strangers think you’re busy and won’t talk to you about the impending apocalypse or their ongoing problems with law enforcement. It’s good practice to put headphones in your ears upon waking. Wear them everywhere. If you work with the public, you are screwed. After work, see #4.
10. Always talk to the craziest friend you have when you’re feeling down. They will most likely have a weirder or more insane thing happening to them in their life. The distraction will be good for you. Also, recognize when YOU are the craziest friend. Then you are shit out of luck and you should probably skip the headphones, and find a crazy person to talk to. Public transportation or a public library is always a good bet.
Just imagine the things I’d accomplish if I spent half as much time doing productive things instead of writing random blog posts about nothing.
Next list: Productive things I should be doing to keep my life on track and NOT lose my job.