Ugly Selfies, Memes & F-Bombs

I don’t know how to start this.
What I DO know is that I am so happy, perhaps happiest, when my friends send me selfies. Not the normal kind. Not the ones with the fake eyelash filter or the fake makeup. I want the opposite. I want the NO filter, look at how ugly I am right now pictures. I scroll through photo-shopped pictures nonstop. Isn’t that what Instagram actually is? A collection of filtered, beautiful people and scenery? Pretty sure that’s a yes. Sometimes I’m in the mood for something different. Something not so….boring!  I want to see the people I love, keeping it real… and do they ever! My friends aim to please!
I was sitting at my desk this morning, explaining to my friend via messaging that I felt dusty (classic dry-shampoo overuse) and looked ashy (very Miss Havisham), and she sent me a series of her freshly waking up selfies, complete with exaggerated “ugh” looks on her face. I started laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face. It’s something I’m noticing as we are getting older. We are not the girls who post a million selfies of ourselves looking sun-kissed and beautiful. Instead, we send each other “I’M A MONSTER, LOOK AT THIS TRAIN WRECK!” pictures.
I send the most hideous pictures to my friends ALL THE TIME! In return, my friends send me pictures of them waking up…pictures with baby barf on their shirts… pictures of the random food stains on their pants that go unnoticed until they arrive in their offices. Why, just a few minutes ago I was sent a picture of perfect “martian hair” complete with foils and a funny facial expression. If you’re not sending selfies to your friends while you’re having your hair coloured you aren’t living. Guaranteed you aren’t laughing enough either. It doesn’t stop with pictures. It’s our conversations too. They are real and honest and I actually can’t imagine my life without this form of truth. This form of friendship. This form of connection.
There are so many negative things you can say about our use of technology these days. People are actually attached to their phones and it can be a little too much. But it’s also amazing. I can’t imagine how lonely life would be without my different group chats. In my spare moments I want to connect with my friends and let me tell you, a moment is really all we have. We plan our girls weekend MONTHS in advance. Our schedules are busy (this is a whole other ranty post that I could write). It’s hard to find the time to balance work, our families and our social lives. What we do have time for is ugly selfies, memes to make each other laugh and a place to write out a quick rant, knowing that if there are multiple women in the group chat, at least someone will have time to hear you out. Sometimes it’s 4:30 a.m. and your phone dings with a message from your friend who is in breakdown mode over her lawn furniture blowing away in a windstorm. So, you do what comes naturally to you. You drop some f-bombs with her and make her laugh with a stupid meme. That’s what friends are for.

So, if we are in a group chat together, if we text, or write each other long emails about nothing… THANK YOU! Thank you for being part of the train wreck that is my life. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me, ME!

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Lists, lists, lists & other things that make me go hmmmm…

These days I am all about writing lists. I have journals filled with them. I have to-do lists, grocery lists and lists about other random things. Things that are REALLY random.

Example: A list of things I’d rather be doing. 

1. Sitting in a shady bar, drinking a warm and flat beer with a bunch of dirty construction workers with alcohol dependencies.

OR…

2. Snorkeling in the middle of the ocean where I could possibly be attacked by a shark.

As you can see, my day is going well….

Another on-going list I have is:

Things I wish I could say to you. 

1. To the man who slowly walks his dog around the neighborhood: I used to think you were super weird for your slow snail-speed walking, and your creepy backpack. I used to imagine it filled with explosives or other creepy-creeperton things like doll heads and roadkill. Then one day I saw you take a bottle of water and a dish out of your creepy-pack and give your dog, (who looked rather senior when I looked closely) a drink. After that, I didn’t see you as a potential creep-a-zoid. I saw you as a loving and caring dog dad. I’m sorry for thinking you were a homicidal maniac and also… thank you for loving your dog so much. He/she is so lucky to have you.

2. To the man who asked me to help him find rapini in No Frills: What part of NO FRILLS do you not understand?

Anyway… Here is my most recent list.

Things I know for sure:
1. Neon orange food always tastes good. Cheetos, Cheez Whiz, Kraft Dinner, creamsicles, the orange drink McDonald’s used to serve when you were a kid. It may not be healthy, but if it’s neon orange, it probably tastes like heaven.
2. There is a proper way to assemble a burger. If you don’t do it properly, it doesn’t matter what kind of meat/cheese/toppings you use. It won’t be as good as it could be.
3. A public toilet must always be flushed using your foot. Everyone knows this.
4. Almost everything can be fixed with a hot bath. Foot hurts? Have a bath. Feel murderous rage towards the man who took the last bag of Cheetos at the grocery store? Have a bath. Add a glass of wine for complete pain relief.
5. Vodka is a really good cleaner. It dissolves soap scum and cleans glass. However, it is better to have soap scum and streaky glass than to be without vodka. Caesars.
6. That reminds me. Caesars. You can add a million and one things to your Caesar, but it will never beat a traditional one. Skip all the frill and just put a little pickle juice in it. Nobody wants to drink horseradish or BBQ sauce so STOP IT already! Also, the celery is overrated. Skip the shrubbery. See below.
7. Skip the lime or lemon on the side of the glass when you are out in a restaurant. The bacteria on those things. Hello e coli! This goes for all the garnishes you might find on the side of your glass. Just skip it. No one likes shit lemons.
8. If you spend a lot of time on your hair, you know it will be windy AF outside and all of your hard work will be for nothing. Doesn’t matter how far you have to walk. Two steps is two too many. Your hair will be ruined and you will look like Kurt Cobain. Plan ahead. Bring a hair elastic. Alternately, wear one of those plastic hood hats that old ladies wear. I really wish they were a thing. I’d brush my hair EVERYDAY if I could wear one of those.
9. Always carry headphones with you so that random strangers think you’re busy and won’t talk to you about the impending apocalypse or their ongoing problems with law enforcement. It’s good practice to put headphones in your ears upon waking. Wear them everywhere. If you work with the public, you are screwed. After work, see #4.
10. Always talk to the craziest friend you have when you’re feeling down. They will most likely have a weirder or more insane thing happening to them in their life. The distraction will be good for you. Also, recognize when YOU are the craziest friend. Then you are shit out of luck and you should probably skip the headphones, and find a crazy person to talk to. Public transportation or a public library is always a good bet.
Just imagine the things I’d accomplish if I spent half as much time doing productive things instead of writing random blog posts about nothing.
Next list: Productive things I should be doing to keep my life on track and NOT lose my job.