I cried today. It was a long drawn-out, I’m raging mad at the world cry. Filled with anger, sadness and disappointment. I haven’t cried like that in well over a year, and maybe it was a long time coming. I could feel it coming on yesterday when I had a nice long rant via text to my sister. She always knows how to cheer me up with her very dry sense of humour. I ranted and she made sure I felt better by telling me and sending me very random pictures of things that enrage her. Our conversation went from very serious, to us laughing and cracking jokes about drug smuggling, Mexican jails and finally how somedays we wish we could wear Burkas. She is awesome. Her last text to me:
“Only problem is that you can’t drink as a Muslim. BUT… The Burka is roomy enough to fit a box-o-wine and your mouth is covered so no one will see the straw.”
I was feeling 100% better and grateful to have such an amazing friend and sister who totally gets me. Even reading that now, I smile. My little sister is now funnier than me, and I LOVE it!
But all that aside, today I still feel the same way I felt yesterday. Pissed off at no one and everyone at the same time. About two weeks ago I answered my phone while doing housework. I wasn’t expecting any calls, and especially not that one. In the end, I went to pick a small child up from a place no little human should ever be sitting and waiting. It was a situation I wasn’t prepared for, but I did what I think anyone should and would do if they got the same call. Millie now has a friend who is close in age to play with, and I’m stuck in the middle of a pretty complicated and upsetting situation.
My crying today stemmed from all of this. All of the chaos that comes with “doing the right thing.” That’s what’s making me so mad. Hearing over and over again how I’m doing something so great. How it’s “the right thing to do.” How I “have to do, what I have to do.” It enrages me and in the most selfish way. I cried today because I don’t know if I can do the right thing. I don’t know if I want to. It’s not the child, that’s not it at all. It’s the whole process. It’s the adults in the situation. It’s having to deal with people and things that make no sense. I’m now stuck dealing with people I want nothing to do with, and I’m mad about it. It’s the upheaval of all that I’ve worked so hard to have. Peaceful living. No chaos.
I feel guilty for feeling this way. I really do. I know that I’m doing what I should, but today I felt like I needed to have a child-like hissy-fit about it. As I sat there pouting I remembered one thing that my aunt said to me a few years back. We were at the hospital visiting my mother who was just coming out surgery. I was terrified that my mom was going to die. It was a horrible, horrible feeling. My Aunt and I walked out of the hospital together and I told her that I didn’t think I could do this. Implying that I didn’t want to be brave and strong and deal with how horrible the situation was. She just looked at me, and with the most calm and rational voice, said: “Yes you can. You really don’t have any other choice.” It’s a very simplistic and realistic phrase that I think sums up this situation as well. In fact, I have repeated that phrase to myself in a few other situations I’ve been in. So, I need to suck it up, and get on with it. I know this.
But that’s not happening today. Today I’m going to be really really mad about the situation. About how unfair it is to me and my family. But most importantly, today I’m raging mad for the little kid who has to go through all of this. The little person who can’t understand what’s happening, who doesn’t have a choice or a voice or any way to protect herself. Today I am mad for her.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I’ll be a grown-up again.