Asshats & Other Seasonal Delights

Last night we ventured out to our first Santa Claus Parade of the season. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “WHAT? It’s the middle of November.” My thoughts exactly. But who am I to dictate when we should start the most wonderful (and crazy expensive) time of the year? I’m not really sure how I feel about parades. I think I like them. I always get excited about the thoughts of taking the kids out to see one, and yet, when I get there, I’m usually ready to leave before Santa rolls by. Back in my day (ha ha ha), Christmas parades were very different. For one, they usually occurred in December, you know, when Christmas actually takes place. Secondly, they usually included a whole bunch of old school floats, done up to the nines with the tackiest Christmas crap people could find. I remember kids dressed as Wise Men, trying not to trip over their 1970’s bathrobes or eat the cheap fake beards they had taped to their faces. I remember Christmas carols and actually feeling like we were celebrating a holiday. I remember participating in parades myself. My first experience was on the back of wagon with my cousins, dressed as a blueberry singing “We wish you a berry christmas!” My Aunt & Uncle owned a berry farm. It wasn’t just cruel and unusual punishment for us being unruly kids all year long. Last night my kids were howling with anticipation. I kid you not. We were in the parking lot of the LCBO and the kids sounded like a pack of coyotes. I let them carry on. It gave an explanation to the passersby as to why we were shopping there. The kids had a great time. They were pelted with candy (old halloween candy, you aren’t kidding me you cheapskates) and they got to see the Grinch and most importantly Santa. There were great floats. The marching bands were there, the seniors band was kickin’ it, and the kids loved the ponies. But, a lot of the parade consisted of people driving their company vehicles through, handing out candy. BORING!! I want to see lights, I want to hear music, I want TACKY CHRISTMAS BACK!! 

While I was at the parade trying not to focus on how let down my inner child felt, I noticed one thing that truly makes my heart sing. Asshats. Everywhere I looked, parents had their kids bundled up in coats and mittens and ASSHATS. You know what I’m talking about. Those hats that we buy for our kids to make them look like the little asses they sometimes are. Don’t deny that you haven’t done this, everyone has. It’s hilarious. I purposely go out every fall to find my kids new asshats. My girls usually get the ones that look like animals. But Jack, my son… Well, that little guy drives me bonkers with his crazy, off the wall behaviour. My only revenge on my unruly son is the asshat I make him wear. I thought I did a good job this year, but I was wrong. Elmer Fudd isn’t that funny anymore. Last night Jack’s little buddy came out the door wearing the ultimate asshat. It was the asshat I’ve always dreamed of. My first reaction was to laugh, and then think to myself, “wow, that kid must have been a real handful this year.” This kid was wearing a moose on his head. Not just a hat that was made to look like a moose, it was like a giant stuffed moose that his mom rammed on his head. This kid pranced around like he didn’t even notice the 10 lb stuffed animal he was wearing. I was dying. I had to take a moment to reflect on all the other asshats I’ve seen. Just the other day I was out and a mom friend of mine was getting her boys ready for school. On with your asshats boys. They were knitted elephant hats with trunks protruding from their foreheads. Who doesn’t want to wear a phallus on their forehead? Seriously? I love this woman. It’s a truth that our kids sometimes drive us insane (always for me). What can we really do about it? We can’t stop talking to them. We can’t give them away. We can’t lock them up in the basement. But we CAN make them wear asshats. I know that in the next year or so, my kid will have caught on, and refuse to wear his asshat, but for now it’s all I have. When your kids act like asshats, make them wear one! 

This is Jack in his current asshat. Obviously my mom friends are beating me, so I’ll have to step up my game. I’m already working on it. 

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This is a replica of the phallus asshat. It’s awesome! 

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And lastly, if you open your christmas presents this year and find this….

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Someone thinks you’re an asshat.

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